what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
