At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
