I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
