Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
