Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
