I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
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