Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
i already hear my dad disowning me
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I still have a little drunk in my system
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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