I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
