there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
