so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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