Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
organizing the empties. That sober.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
