i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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