Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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