you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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