You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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