Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
