So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
