So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize