If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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