My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
