my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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