ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Someone shit on the floor
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
