I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Randomize
