I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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