My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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