she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
