i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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