i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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