I think my fart just growled at me.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
