I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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