On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
