I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
