rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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