I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
