Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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