This dress was meant to end up on your floor
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
