I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
