I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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