Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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