Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
