I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
