If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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