He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
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