there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
