it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
