you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
