I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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