we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
