I can text with my tongue
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
