clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
