ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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