just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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