Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
