The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
