Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
