I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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